I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
