I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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