you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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