Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
