Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
