so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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