I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
