Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
