Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
