Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
