East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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