Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
