dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
