NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
