So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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