I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
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the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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