Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i need some magic done to my vagina
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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