my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.