Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
