It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
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You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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