thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
