So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
