Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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