The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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