how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
