My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
