it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
