i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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