Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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