I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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