the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
