I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
