Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
