My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
