Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
