we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
