I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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