If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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