I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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