I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
