i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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