My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
