I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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