There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
