i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
