i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
