i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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