if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
