Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
