Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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