enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
