Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
