his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
